October 16, 2012

The Pause Thing

Posted in family, Kat at 11:10 pm by jimazing

This grieving process is so strange, so foreign to me. Much of the time, I just feel hollow… empty… Jeanie said it felt like someone drilled a hole in her and sucked out all the life energy. I feel that too. It is as if my blood is water.  Do not get me wrong. It is not always like that. I am functioning. I put up walls to compartmentalize my life so I can keep moving, but inevitably the walls that seemed so sturdy melt away like so much warm wax.

So many things remind me of Kat.

Reading time has been a premium for the last couple of years, and now that I have more time to read, I can’t seem to focus for long. However, tonight I finally finished reading The Source, by James Michener, which I started months ago… maybe even a year ago.  Like the other Michener books I have read, this one takes place in a singular place and tells stories of the peoples who lived there over time. This book is set in the land we now know as Israel beginning about 12,000 years ago and coming up to “modern times” (the 1960’s). I highly recommend it.

As I was reading tonight, I was reminded of a fond memory of Kat.  When the kids were young, it was my job to put them to bed. That generally meant telling them a bedtime story or reading to them. Kat (then Katie) had just graduated from “short stories” to her first chapter book!  We were reading Riverboat Adventures by Lucy Kincaid and when we finished the chapter for the night, Katie said, “Wait and I’ll get the pause thing.”

Wondering what in the world she was talking about, I simply replied, “Okay,” and watched to see what she would do.

She left the room for a moment and returned with a bookmark, also known as a “pause thing”. She had cleverly compared in her mind the idea of stopping in the middle of a book with pausing a movie on the VCR.

I miss you, Katie.


  1. UB said,

    What a cherished memory. Thank God for the ability to remember these very good things.

  2. Cathryn said,

    Precious story, precious memory.

  3. John said,

    Thanks for sharing this beautiful memory, Jim. I appreciate Kat’s practical thinking as you recount her ‘pause thing’ story. I grieve with you, my friend.

  4. Katie said,

    I am totally going to call my bookmarks “pause things” from now on!

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