December 4, 2018
Acceptance Is the First Step to Love
Just a few weeks ago (on October 12, 2018) I did a talk at TEDx Charlotte. Here it is!
Dear Jim,I am writing to you from your future. There are some things I need to give you a heads up about. But first I want to tell you that you are a good dad. . Not because get it right all the time, but because you love your family. There are some heavy things coming your way, and that love will guide you to the very best outcomes.You have a wonderful faith community. But it’s not important that you agree on every little thing. Your community will be stronger with voices like yours pushing the boundaries and speaking up for marginalized people.Speaking of marginalized people, when your youngest daughter is 15, she’s going to come out to you as a lesbian. And it’s going to frighten you. It’s okay to be scared. It’s not okay to be mean. When she tells you, don’t talk, just listen. Listen to her as if she is telling you the most important secret of her life (because she is). When she’s done, tell her how much you love her. Make sure she knows this changes nothing about your relationship. And save your rejection for later… you’re going to find out you don’t need it.You will find the strengths courage to face the fears and beliefs that stand in your way. Don’t take too long. You do not have as much time with her as you think.As you begin to accept her, you are also going feel alone, but you are not alone. You will meet others who are loving and actively supporting their LGBTQ children. Join them. You need them and they need you too.Finally, there’s no easy way to say this, but just as you were there to welcome Kat into this world, you are going to be there with her when she breathes her last breath. It’s not supposed to be like that, and there is nothing I could say that would make losing Kat be okay. But know this, Jim. When she leaves this life, your daughter will feel loved and completely accepted by everyone who mattered to her, and you are one of those people. That is worth everything!Love, Jim
From the TEDx Charlotte site:
How we relate to people we don’t understand is more important than we know! Life is too short and the stakes are too high to reject our loved ones. We must find a way to acceptance and love while we live.
What do you want people to learn from your talk? Accepting and loving our LGBTQ family and friends for who they are is not only possible but is a foundation for the best life possible! It’s hard emotional work, and our LGBTQ loved ones are worth the effort.
What action items do you want people to take away from your talk?
1) To understand that they are not alone. It is hard for many of us to accept our LGBTQ loved ones.
2) Understand that their loving acceptance is more vitally important than they know.
3) Feel the urgency to accept… time is short.
4) Just decide to accept this person they do not understand.
5) Seek out support through organizations like PFLAG to help them love well.Jim is the father of four daughters and 7 grandchildren. He and his wife have been together for over 40 years. Originally from Charleston, SC, he moved to Charlotte with his family in 1999 to join First Union National Bank as a programmer. He is now an Application Systems Engineer with Wells Fargo working with Document Management COE.
Jim loves backpacking, gardening, bird watching, and photography, but most of all, he loves sharing these with his fantastic grandchildren. He has been active in the Charlotte PFLAG organization for 4 years where he is now a member of the Faith Action Committee.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx
October 12, 2023
TEDx Charlotte 5 Year Anniversary
Five years ago today I shared the story of my journey of acceptance of my youngest daughter’s sexuality with the world. The reason I did it was that I wished that I had access to stories like this when Kat came out to me as a gay woman. I wanted my story to just simply show others who are where I was then that there are more options than you think and acceptance is so much better than being right. I still want that.
Developing the talk was hard emotional work; looking at dark parts of myself that I’d never seen before. Even in the midst of the darkest parts, I saw that love for her what was driving me to accept her just as she was. I sometimes wonder what took me so long to get there. I guess I sometimes forget the enormous cost of that change.
If I had made an immediate about face, abandoned my beliefs and embraced Kat’s sexuality, it would have been cheap and shallow. I didn’t need to trade a certainty in one thing for certainty in another. I needed a deep understanding of my addiction to a feeling of certainty. I needed to know and understand the threads that bound me, causing me to act out of fear. I’ve come to a place where I know these binding threads on a much deeper level. I recognize them when they show up in my life. Recognizing and knowing helps me.
I know from many of you that my story has helped you. I also know that many of you have shared it with others who are in similar places to where I was back then. That’s my hope, that it offers options to a parent or other loved one who is feeling forced into a no compromise situation regarding their child’s sexuality or anything else that doesn’t fit their world view. You don’t have to abandon one for the other and your child is worth the journey to acceptance and beyond.
PFLAG Charlotte is a wonderful resource that Jeanie and I are investing our resources into. If you are struggling, reach out to these folks. If you aren’t struggling and want to make a difference, I can’t think of a better place to jump in.
March 7, 2023
Five Thousand Years Later
On finishing Part Two of Seveneves, I turned the page to see this. Imagine being able to just jump ahead 5,000 years. Books are miraculous.
Seveneves is a terrific book too… in case you want some fantastic sci-fi reading.
December 24, 2018
Changing in Front of Others
It has been about 2 months since I did my TED talk. I shared our story in hopes that my experience might help folks who (like me) find themselves struggling to accept a loved one who has just revealed their secret.
A friend asked me if I thought my talk would have been helpful to me when Kat came out. Yes, I do! Just one trustworthy voice in my life with an alternative choice it would have helped me greatly.
My Hope
I want to be the voice now that I needed then. My hope is that people who are struggling to accept their LGBTQ loved one will see my TED talk in private. In private they can hear my story without pressure.
I heard someone say, “People don’t like to change in front of other people.” It’s true. We don’t like to change clothes in front of other people and we don’t like to change our minds in front of other people. Changing our minds where others can see is just too vulnerable. It was certainly true for me. Vulnerable is not strong enough of a word for what I felt. I felt like a failure as a father because I couldn’t keep my own child on the “straight and narrow”.
How do you go from hiding in shame to speaking out with confidence? Not in one step I can tell you.
My faith community was clear with no room for interpretation on the issue. We believed gay people were choosing to live a sinful lifestyle. Accept it, hide or leave. If I had been brave enough to ask my questions, I would have been immediately shut down. There was no place for a message of acceptance. But in the beginning, when I needed a safe place to ask questions, fear kept me hiding in the dark. My feeling of failure kept me in my place, with my mouth shut. (When Kat came out of the closet, I went into the closet)
Secret
My journey of questioning began in secret. As I said in my talk, “I was no longer satisfied to repeat what I had been taught. I needed to know what I believed and why! Kat was my reason.” That journey didn’t happen in front of other people. The hard work of asking questions, studying and ruminating was private… and it took years!
Around the time Kat came out, I spoke out in a very small way for the first time. I was in a Bible study group. Someone asked the question, “Can a person be gay and saved?”
I answered confidently, “Yes!” I added that there was no place in the Bible where a person’s sexual orientation as a qualification for salvation. (Salvation was a 3 or 4 step process in our world-depending on who you asked). In my thinking if we were actually using the Bible as our guide then we have no right to add arbitrary requirements to the list. Understand that I’m talking about the early part of my journey to being an ally. I was not accepting of Kat’s sexuality, but I had doubts and questions. I’m telling this to show what was important to me and how I was adamant that we answer questions about our faith with integrity. Either we believed the Bible had answers for that kind of question or we didn’t. I think that demand for integrity was important to my transition to becoming an ally.
Q&A
At the end of the TEDx Charlotte event, all the speakers gathered on the stage for Q&A. Someone asked me how my experience affected my own spiritual journey. It was a fantastic question (and a tough one to answer). Although I have made a complete 180 degree change on my thoughts regarding the LGBTQ community, when it comes to my faith, I’m in a way different place than I was then. But then again, I’ve always been pushing back and asking questions. That’s who I am. Wherever I am in my faith journey today, I don’t think I was “wrong then” and “right now” about faith.
I don’t believe what I did 20 years ago and 20 years from now, I’ll know things and believe differently than I do today. Knowledge and experience helps us grow and change if we allow it. There’s so much I don’t understand. Experiencing and learning that fact has been an unexpectedly wonderful gift.
My hope, my wish, my prayer is that many who are struggling to accept a loved one will hear Kat’s and my story in an unpressured environment and that our story will inspire and influence them while adding a sense of urgency. We do not know how long we have with our loved ones. We simply must find a way to love while we live.
Selfish Wish
One last selfish wish is that I get to hear some of those stories of our story’s influence. The day of the TEDxCharlotte event, at least 15 or 20 people approached me and told me their stories. It would be so encouraging for me to continue to hear how our story actually influenced others and contributed to healing relationships.
In case you haven’t seen it yet…
Until next time…
March 20, 2018
Why Is Jim an Ally?
I was asked recently why I’m an LGBTQ ally. Here’s what I said…
I LOVE MY DAUGHTER more than I loved my dogma
I am an ally because I love my daughter more than I loved my dogma.
The youngest of our four daughters, Kat, came out to my wife and me around 2001 when she was 15 years old. At the time, we were very committed, conservative Christians, and to say this was uncomfortable would be a huge understatement. We were devastated!
Our first thought was that we needed to correct this problem. I got lots of literature from a group that was committed to fighting the “gay agenda” and we sent her to counselors who we hoped could “fix” her. I am not proud of that first response, but it was motivated by love and was the best response we could manage at that time.
After much anguish I realized that if she were ever going to change, it would not be in a pressured environment. I decided that the best thing I could do would be to accept that this is who she is and not try to change her. In this way, I hoped that she would be able to stop fighting us. Then she could see the error of her ways and begin to change back.
I was partly right. When we stopped trying to change her, she did stop fighting us. However, it is we, not Kat, who changed. Her confidence in who she was remained constant. Everything about her said unequivocally, “This is who I am and it has nothing to do with you.” We had convinced ourselves that if she were gay, it reflected badly on our parenting. Much of our journey was coming to understand that it was not ‘our fault’.
The first part of our journey was accepting Kat. The last leg of our journey was embracing her exactly as she was and that there was no ‘fault’ with which to be concerned. The reward was realizing that she was still the same wonderful woman we always knew.
Sadly in 2011 she was struck by a very rare cancer which she fought against bravely for a year and a half. We lost her on September 23, 2012. It is still hard to write those words. Three years ago (at the suggestion of our wonderful grief counselor), my wife and I joined PFLAG to help us focus our grief in a way that helps us and helps others. Each time I am there, I am inspired by the love and raw courage of the folks who show up looking for support.
Many of our former community think we have been deceived and gone off the deep end. We have jumped into the deep end of the pool for sure. However, what I have found in the ‘deep end’ are many people who are deeply full of love and pain; people who are too busy loving their LGBTQ family to pretend they have their life together; and real people who just want a friend. This is the community I have longed for my whole life!”
November 10, 2016
First Time For Everything
There’s a first time for everything, but someone in their late fifties has most of his “first times” behind him so the new ones are extra important. Today was a first time for me. The news of our election brought with it emotions that I have never experienced. I’ve felt the elation of winning and the disappointment of losing. This is different…
I have lost nothing personally. I’m a white, middle classed, middle aged man. When our new president takes office in January I will be able to walk down the street of any town in the USA and no one would ever question my right to be there. The folks that I meet on the street will assume I voted for Trump because of the way I look and the way my state voted. I will still have a good job and health insurance. No worries about war because I am too old to be called into military service. Everything is going my way.
I do not like feeling bad especially when I could easily choose otherwise. I’d rather be full of hope and joy. Yesterday, I imagined I would be consoling my right wing friends and family today and helping them understand that it’s a new day full of love and room for all. Instead I find myself quietly reaching out to a few friends who are very much on the losing side of this election. Listening to them. Affirming their longings. Affirming their person-hood just as they are. Hoping I can help lift their despair just a tad.
Why do I feel like this? I who couldn’t lose. No matter which side won, it wouldn’t much affect me. Not to say that I am immune. I have strong political views, and I’ll be affected by change just like everyone else. But neither political party has an agenda that would take away my human rights directly.
First steps
Not so long ago, my wife and I began to pour our energies into loving and caring for the LGBT community. At our local PFLAG* we are getting to know some of the bravest and most marginalized people we have ever known. 
These are real human people who do not fit neatly in the boxes provided by society for us to keep them straight (pun intended). I get to hear the stories of these beautiful people; stories of love, of hate, of violence, of death, murder, suicide. Their stories move me; children turned out of their homes because they were attracted to the same sex, parents of transgender children worried for their safety at school. By the way, this NC “bathroom bill” intended to protect “normal” people from a fictitious predator is a very real matter of life or death to these folks.
When the riots happened a few weeks ago here in Charlotte, I stepped out of my comfort zone a few times and risked conversations with friends and acquaintances who have darker skin than mine. I heard the fear they felt. I heard their desire to fit in, along with constant frustration that the color of their skin posed an impenetrable barrier to any hope of real justice or equanimity.
I say these things to explain what changed in me that makes me hurt. I have only just begun the hard work of self examination; finding out just how selfish and unloving I can be. My eyes are just beginning to see and my ears are just beginning to hear how the very society that welcomes me so freely is suspicious at best and hateful at worst of folk who do not look like me.
There’s a great story from the book, “The Hiding Place” by Corrie ten Boom about the holocaust in Holland and how her Christian family helped to save Jews. Her father, Casper, a simple watch maker, sewed a yellow Star of David on his coat. In his mind, if everyone wore them the Nazis would not be able to identify the Jews and they would be safe. What a naive gesture but motivated by such inspiring love.
I am a middle aged white man. I don’t have to do this. I can stop anytime I want and just blend into an easy, comfortable life. But I freely choose otherwise. I want to be more like Casper ten Boom and naively believe that I too can love the unloved. That I too can connect in solidarity where they are marginalized. That I can choose to sacrifice my comfort, my safety and my security when it interferes with their human rights when necessary. Who will join me?
*PFLAG = Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays
September 23, 2015
Seeking Solitude
Today, September 23, 2015, is the 3 year anniversary of the loss of my youngest daughter. Every year on this day, I have taken the day off from work to honor Kat and to find some solitude. This year, I anticipated spending the week at the Well of Mercy, where I have gone on retreat a couple of times. When I called to make reservations, I learned that they were booked for an event and my plans were simply not going to happen. Rats! Time to create Plan B.
At that time, my cousin was preparing to walk the Camino de Santiago (he’s back now). Pretty quickly I began to think about my own “mini-Camino”; a backpacking excursion. Backpacking is something I have wanted to do at least since I was Kat’s age. With the help of my old outdoor-enthusiast-friend Gerry and my new friend, Paige (Gerry’s daughter who works with Outward Bound) I am doing it! Backpacking in Pisgah National Forest.
The plan is to be out 3 nights on the trail. No goals for mileage or anything like that. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I just want to be safe and find a bit of solitude.
I’ll have the camera, so there will be photos. I hope to write about it, but we’ll see.
June 21, 2014
Swinging Trees
The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
~Chinese Proverb
When we moved into our house 15 years ago, the backyard was a steep, grassy hill. I didn’t have to mow it too many times before deciding a wooded backyard would be a lot more fun. I was right! Little by little I have replaced grass with shade trees.
One summer about 10 or 12 years ago, I was mowing the grass and dreaming of a shady yard. The idea to have a majestic pin oak tree in the middle of the yard seemed like a good idea. These are the beautiful and mighty oaks that you see in the older Charlotte neighborhoods that are probably hundreds of years old. Not too long after deciding to put an oak tree there, I fortuitously noticed a stray pin oak seedling coming up in my bushes. Having the dream and now the tree to fulfill the dream I waited for cooler weather. That fall, I moved the seedling to the chosen spot. While planting it, I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “One day, my grandchildren will swing from this tree.”
This week, my dream was fulfilled when I hung a swing from that very tree. My grandson , who is just over a year old was visiting so I picked up a baby swing and some rope and the rest is history. This was the second swing I have hung from trees in the yard. The first one was for my granddaughter and hangs from a maple tree that I also planted. I cannot fully explain the depth of feeling I had watching both of my grandchildren swinging together from swings I hung in trees that I planted.
September 29, 2013
This is Grief
Grief is not about the person we lost. It is not an exercise in doing what they would have wanted. Grief is for the person who is grieving. It is self care; a process of integrating the loss into our life. Just as her presence in my life changed the person I am, the loss of my daughter’s presence is changing me.This integration of loss is different from the integration of presence.
The integration of presence is like this… Her influence in my life was gradual. Like all my precious daughters, her presence influenced me constantly. It was not a forceful impact, but a natural change agent. Natural as in the things that happen day in and day out that cause us to love, tolerate, forgive, lead, guide, follow, forgive, empathize with, listen to, share thoughts & feelings with, laugh with, cry with, forgive… Without even trying or being aware of it, each of us is changed by the people in our lives. “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” This is what I mean by the integration of presence.
Unlike the gradual integration of her presence, the loss of her presence was sudden. A shock. Yes, we knew she was ill. We even knew at the end that she was at death’s door, but it was still an abrupt ending to a precious life and to all of the relationships associated with that life. All of us who loved her felt the shock. We all felt the pain. This is difficult to integrate. I don’t want to admit she is gone, much less surrender to it, and yet here I am.
Grief is not at all what I expected. I expected something unfamiliar. What I found was the same old me. I expected a deep sadness that would eventually go away. Of course I am sad at times, but grief is much more than sadness. Grief is a confusing mess of conflicting emotions connected with my loss. It is personal. Pleasant memories that sometimes make me laugh out loud, not so pleasant memories that I would rather forget, pain, emptiness (sometimes shared, sometimes held close) . It’s all part of the package. Each of us experiences it differently. No one has the right to say, “I know just how you feel.” Grief is personal! Even her mom and I are traveling very different versions of the same road. “Get over it and move on with life,” you say? I don’t know what that means. I have no doubt that it will soften as time passes, but when do you stop grieving? To be sure, we do not want to be debilitated by sadness and depression, although there may be periods where that is just what we experience. Grief, whatever it is, is a process that continues while we live.
Grief, whatever it is, is a process that continues while we live.
How is her loss changing me?
- Since she left us, I understand better how fragile and tenuous life is, which makes it easier to let others off the hook for the odd things they (and I) do. It also makes it harder to say goodbye to those I love.
- Sure, I still get upset about things, but I find that I get over them more quickly. Her illness and death have helped me understand better that the things I cannot change vastly outnumber the things I can change.
- I know about things that I never wanted to know about. When I hear that someone has cancer, I can’t help projecting my experience onto them and feeling the weight of what is coming for them.
- I still know the discomfort of not knowing what to say to someone, but now I also know how much it means to hear simple words of empathy. “I am so sorry.” or “I am thinking of you.”
One year has passed now and it still hurts. Sometimes it takes my breath away when I realize anew that my youngest daughter is not coming home. It still shocks me. It is still abrupt. It doesn’t happen as often, but the similarities with the initial shock of her death are striking. As much as we knew she was dying, her departure was still unexpected. Similarly, as much as missing her has become part of everyday life, that sharp pain of sadness still overtakes me when I least expect it. Just as there is truly no slow, steady movement towards death, there is no getting used to this, no getting over it.
This is grief
September 8, 2013
Living Presence
Each of us lives in the lives of others. Sometimes we are fortunate to witness a glimpse of our influence in the life of another person. It could be a word, a quote, a gesture, a choice of restaurants… and we smile to ourselves, “I know where that came from.” But the real treasure, the the beauty of recognizing the influence of another in ourselves, is available anytime anywhere, at the bargain basement cost of a mere moment of reflection.
I know that we live in the lives of those we touch. I have felt in me the living presence of many I have loved and who have loved me. I experience my daughter’s presence with me daily. And I know that this is not limited to those we know in the flesh, for many guests of my life shared neither time nor space with me.
~Elizabeth Watson (quoted in Healing After Loss-Sept 8th)
Reading this quote of Elizabeth Watson this morning, my thoughts went immediately to Kat and her influence in my life. She influenced me greatly both in her life and her death (that word is still so raw and painful). But how do I pin it down and definitively say, “This is how Kat influenced my life”? In answer to that question, in my imagination a picture appeared of Kat opening a door to a vast beautiful landscape. A garden with full, shady trees, wild grasses and beautifully colorful wildflowers. I step into this landscape which is now part of my world, always there for me to enjoy. Now that I live in this new world, I could try to name every aspect of this landscape to give her credit or I can simply say, “Kat opened the door for me to see life in a new and amazingly beautiful way. My life will never be the same.”
Jimazing Thoughts 
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