June 19, 2011
New Guy
On Sunday mornings, I meet with a group of friends at Amelies French Bakery. We talk about life together and encourage one another. Meeting at a public location can sometimes make things interesting, like this morning… a fellow came in and invited himself (politely) to be part of our group.
When he joined us, I was in the middle of telling them about how things were going with my daughter, Kat. I was aware that New Guy was unaware of what I was talking about, so I looked at him and explained briefly that we just learned she has cancer, just enough of the story so he would not be completely in the dark. I continued bringing my friends up to date. When I was done, the new guy asked if we had looked into “natural healing”. I gently said, “No, I am not interested.” He backed off and I thought that was the end.
When our little gathering ended, and I was leaving, New Guy approached and said, “I just wanted to tell you one thing…” which I abruptly interrupted and said curtly, “If you want to encourage me, I will welcome it, but I am not interested in listening to solutions right now.”
He was bewildered, “You don’t want to hear about something that could potentially help your daughter?”
I said, “No, I don’t want to hear it. I know you mean well, but I cannot listen to this.”
“Why not?”
Normally, I would have just pretended to listen to the guy, and then walked away, but after months of caring for Kat, I am tired. I have very little margin for worrying about the feelings of others. At this point in the conversation, I have asked him twice to back off and instead he’s pushing back and questioning my concern for my daughter!?!
I replied as calmly as I could, “You have got to walk in my shoes to understand that,” and turned to walk away.
New guy just wouldn’t stop. As I walked away, he was questioning why I would not consider every option available. How could I be so unloving as to…
I do know that he meant well, but I was so angry. How can this guy whom I have just met, who does not know me, does not know my situation, has never known Kat, has only just heard that she has cancer… How can he possibly have any valuable input into our situation? I wanted to tell him to come sit with Kat and me for a couple of hours while I massage her back in silence and then help us make the three day journey to Duke (which is only 2½ hours away). Sit with me and be my friend. Cry with me and listen to me vent… then decide if you really have anything to add.
I feel much better now. New guy helped me realize how much I value the friends who have walked through this with us. Who have laughed and cried with us and who will be with us to the end (and beyond). You know who you are. I love you.
If you want to follow Kat’s progress, please check out our site on Caringbridge.org
Jimazing Thoughts 
Cathryn said,
June 19, 2011 at 1:22 pm
Good intentions are great until they become about us and our needs instead of staying about the person we think we’re trying to help. Sometimes we just need to practice the art of shutting up. I’m sorry you had to deal with this at all. i wish I had an easy solution for you but I have nothing except ears to listen, a heart to hurt with you and hands to help when you need them…you can borrow any of those things whenever you want/need. otherwise, I’ll actually use my own advice and just shut up 🙂
Judy Byrd said,
July 6, 2011 at 12:03 am
I am so happy that you have had this wonderful family time. You are absolutely right that no one knows how you feel or what you are going through until they walk a mile in your shoes. I love you and do think about you and your family daily. I check CaringBridge every day and thank you for being so considerate to keep us informed.
This stranger surely meant well but I understand your feelings and reactions to his comments. There comes a time in every situation where we just have to leave it in God’s hands. It is certainly wonderful to know that so many people love you and Jeanie and ALL of your girls.