June 12, 2006
A mess
I was looking at a photo of my paternal grandparents this morning and wondering who they really were. Oh, I knew them (My grandmother just died last hear), but I didn’t really know them. I don’t think they even knew themselves.
I am full of feelings; joys, fears, doubts, questions. Sometimes I feel like I’m right where God wants me to be and doing just what he has for me… other times, I am paralyzed with fear for no apparent reason.
What
did
they
fear?
After going through the Great Depression, I am sure that having shelter and enough food was a driving fear. Frugal would be a great understatement. What else was there? Did they talk about their feelings to one another? They showed me that they had it all together. Being a child, I believed that. I believed that one day, I too would have it all together. I would know who I am, what I believe and where I am going.
It was a lie.
I don’t have it together and don't believe they did either. They reduced life to a few simple rules. Follow those rules and you get a get-out-of-hell-free card at the end of your life. I think there is more to life than that. More to following God than that.
Do I sound disrespectful? I don’t mean to. They were who they were.
Now that sounds like a copout. I don’t mean it to. I guess I am resigned to the fact that I will never know what happened to them. What were their joys, their sorrows, their hurts and fears? What made them feel on top of the world? It would help me to know who I am. There’s something comforting in the thought that I’m not the first one to feel the things I feel, to struggle with the tendencies I struggle with, to fear the things I fear and to wrestle with the questions I do.
Dear Family and Friends,
I am a mess. I do not have all the answers and it seems like every time I wrestle with a big question and get an answer, it comes bundled with more questions I hadn’t even considered before. I am afraid. I fear failure. I fear success (does that sound weird?). I want more than anything to follow God… not some impersonal god idea… I want to follow the God of the Bible.
First and foremost I want to be identified as a follower of Christ, but I don’t like the baggage that comes with that label.
I am a mess. But Jesus loves me anyway. That is the good news. Although I cannot earn his love, I want to serve him because I do love him. I want to love in a revolutionary, radical way.
I want you to come along. Let’s explore this life together and help one another. I love you.
Jimazing Thoughts 
Mom said,
July 4, 2006 at 4:29 pm
YOU are such a blessing to me. Don’t be discouraged to know that I’m still pondering the same thoughts at almost 71 years of age. Insight comes a little at a time and I don’t know if we ever “get there”. Life is a journey – not a distination. I read and re-read your blogs. So often you say what I feel, but you express it better than I can. I love you immensely.
Mom said,
July 4, 2006 at 4:30 pm
YOU are such a blessing to me. Don’t be discouraged to know that I’m still pondering the same thoughts at almost 71 years of age. Insight comes a little at a time and I don’t know if we ever “get there”. Life is a journey – not a destination. I read and re-read your blogs. So often you say what I feel, but you express it better than I can. I love you immensely.